Peaceful, Assertive Communication for Synergistic Conflict Transformation
Trust Building is Essential for Healthy Relationships and Interactions Universally
When I created the first version of this document three decades years ago, I called it “Synergistic Family Rules.” I have since concluded that it is not as much about rules as it is about having mutual respect in the relationship.
Building Trust to Maintain and Enhance Relationships
In our book, From Disturst to Trust (2023), Matt and I emphasized that trust must be earned through actions/interactions. Trust can be attained by interacting with the expression of humility — indicating a perspective of equality, genuineness —transparency, vulnerable openness, and complete honesty, which is essential for there to be trust in any relationship. Without these characteristics, there cannot be a high level of caring (compassion) or commitment (dedication, loyalty) in a relationship.
The ingredients of trust-building are “B.I.G.”, according to Brene Brown (2021). They are boundaries — clear delineation of responsibilities, integrity — right actions even when it is not easy/comfortable, and generous assumptions about the other, like giving them the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to explain themselves so we can come together to work on conflict transformation — seeing it as an opportunity to grow in our understanding of each other and our unique as well as shared perspectives.
Contract for Trust Building
To Develop, Enhance, and Maintain Trust We Agree to the Following:
We know that every conflict is unique with its own past, present, and future (Lederach, 1999). So, we will be aware of where we are in time regarding the conflict.
We agree to value all others as equals, regardless of their status or position. Humility is the foundation of all healthy relationships and optimal functioning in a family, an organization, a governmental unit, or a business. Having egalitarian values —seeing each person as no better than and no worse than any other — facilitates and enables effective, synergistic communication for transforming interpersonal conflicts.
Knowing that change comes from “the margins” and “not the mainstream,” we embrace diversity — each one’s uniqueness and individuality — with tolerance, as we also remember our likeness, equality, commonality, and traditions (Buttry & Buttry, 2018).
We meet individuals where they are, not where we want them to be, as we try our best to understand and affirm each one’s worth and uniqueness. Together we work to enact these values: from each one according to their abilities, to each one according to their needs, for the common good of all.
With this shift away from a strict hierarchical decision-making model, we accept that we are each a part of a larger system (Fisher, et al., 2011). And, we acknowledge that systems are generally unbalanced in terms of power with those in the mainstream (powerful stakeholders who often force their will on others and those in the middle, followers), and those in the margins — minorities, low status (Buttry & Buttry, 2018, 2020).
Although we are accountable to the others in our system, we can also advocate for our own self-interest in an assertive, respectful, and nonviolent manner. With this approach, everyone’s needs will be considered in attaining our holistic goals: peace within, peace between, and peace among (Satir, 1988, 1991).
To maximize our productivity, we pledge to work through conflicts and disagreements in the best way possible — to transform them into opportunities for creativity and learning, rather than conflicts/problems, as we work toward constructive, win-win outcomes (Buttry & Buttry, 2018).
We will maintain positive attitudes and work collaboratively, not against each other, to work more productively, given our intention to all get along peacefully with mutual respect and support during this conflict transformation process.
To accomplish this, we must avoid aggressive, win-lose competitions because we know that if anyone loses, everyone loses for it can harm our ongoing relationships. We will not condemn or demonize those who disagree with us. Thus, we can continually renew our goal of win-win results for everyone as we “separate the people from the problem (Fisher, et al., 2011).”
We agree to primarily focus on our own behaviors, how we can improve to better collaborate in working together. To do this we must first accomplish self-love in order to have self-trust. As Brene Brown put it, “You can’t trust people who don’t trust themselves (Brown, 2021).” However, for those who have been traumatized by injustice, aggression, and abuse, the process must first include healing within from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
When we are healthy and whole, we will act out our self-love by being honest with self and others as we maintain clear boundaries on responsibilities. We assert ourselves with integrity and practice our values in our actions, not just our words as we listen to each other with empathy. We sit down together and identify all of our needs when a problem or conflict arises, including those who are in the minority (margins).
We each accept responsibility for ourselves, our own happiness, effort, success, or failure. We also accept responsibility for asserting our needs. If one’s self is struggling or having unmet needs, we will validate our self-worth and not be intimidated as we express our needs directly with clear, firm, serious, genuine language.
If we see or hear another person in our system struggling, we will offer to help, as needed, to empower the other but not to indulge or enable dependence.
To attain the fullest functioning level and to maintain optimal quality of life for all, we will try our best to communicate directly with openness, honesty, and kindness; with congruence between our words, actions, and true feelings inside (Satir, 1988, 1991).
Thus, we will not silently store (hide) negative, upset, disappointed, or resentful feelings, as that would increase the risk that they would come out later in unintended, hurtful, harmful ways. Instead, we will use our “whole mind/wise mind (Linehan, 2015),” that is our “rational mind” (reasoning, logic) and our “emotion mind” (true feelings that are not necessarily logical) to speak truthfully from our whole person, knowing that perception is not always “truth,” outside of the perceiver.
Solution: Step-by-Step Communication Process for Healthy Relationships
We will stay focused on the present time and consistently use leveling communication (Satir, 1988, 1991), as we sit face to face, on the same level if possible, close enough to see into each other’s eyes as we communicate respect, caring and cooperation in our actions and tone, as well as our words. We must do our best to communicate clearly, “I see you. I hear you. I care about you (Buttry & Buttry, 2018).”
As we join together from diverse experiences and viewpoints and have the most generous assumptions about others, we will work together toward a fresh start to a brighter future (Brown, 2021). So, with grace, we jointly search for solutions instead of blame and protect our collaborative relationships by not attacking others or attempting revenge — knowing that as long as there is blame, there cannot be a resolution of the conflict.
We commit to using our best communication by speaking only for ourselves, especially, when we are bothered or upset, by using I-Statements to express that we have an issue we want to discuss. Staying in the present tense, we speak using this I-statements formula. We say, “I feel (emotions: sad, mad, glad, scared, hurt, worried, guilty, etc.). I think (reasons, logic). And, I need (actions, behaviors).” [Note: “prefer” can be used but I think it is more meaningful to go to the deepest level that realistically applies.]
We agree we must have a dialogue about our concerns. So, after we have briefly expressed our I-statements, we will then ask, “How about you (you all)?” Next, we listen with empathy to understand the other’s thoughts/reasoning, emotional state/feelings, and needs/preferences. Then we will continue the discussion about this matter by brainstorming (generating alternatives) together for new options that address unmet needs.
We will do this by collaboratively putting effort into broadening our perspectives on all possible options/outcomes to establish objective, mutually agreed-upon criteria for a solution(s) (Fisher, et al., 2011). We continue this work until we reach an agreement, which may be an adjustment, a compromise, or an implementation of a new idea. We know that on some days this may need to take the form of an agreement to disagree on that issue for the moment as resolving it will take more time. There can be an advantage to using the wisdom, “Let us sleep on it.”
If we have an ongoing conflict that we cannot work out, then we will ask for a mediation meeting where all who are most directly involved come together to work mutually for peaceful and harmonious conflict resolution using a mutually respected person, who remains neutral, to mediate our differences.
With this conflict transformation methodology, we maintain hope for fairness/justice/mercy, harmony, resolution, and making amends/peace without violence. If we do not reach an agreement within the amount of time available, we will end our mediation session with planning to continue to work on understanding each other’s needs and concerns while we temporarily agree to disagree.
The mediator may give specific assignments for each one to work on until the next meeting. This process continues until there is agreement. Bottom line — we do not hurt, hit, disrespect, or mistreat each other, damage property, violate or disrespect boundaries (Black, 2002). With integrity, we choose courage over comfort and right over ease (Brown, 2021). Thus, we act out our core values: truth, mercy, justice, and peace, knowing that we are not likely to have all of them simultaneously (Lederach, 1999).
When we break this agreement, we will apologize to the slighted/harmed/hurt party as soon as possible. We will all work on making amends for it by using humility, tolerance, acceptance, mutual support, and just consequences that are nonviolent, which can lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. Then we will move on to a better future by letting go of the past. Having learned life’s lesson, we will continue our work together on being kind, healthy, constructive, productive, and fair by using our best communication/conflict transformation skills, so that all may live in the present with the least amount of distress — without animosity or fear.
Conclusion
It is recommended that every group adopts this conflict transformation agreement for optimal, constructive, synergistic communication, conflict transformation, problem-solving, and planning. Leaders can use this to set expectations and teach effective collaboration. They can adapt it to their specific context by working on it with a focus group. If it is a smaller organization, like a family, everyone should be involved. It will work best if each member of the group signs the synergistic agreement to demonstrate an understanding of this conflict-transformation communication model and commitment to act accordingly for peace within, peace between, and peace among.
References:
Black, Claudia (2002) Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear, Second Edition. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Buttry, Sharon A. and Daniel L. (2020) Daughters of Rizpah: Nonviolence and the Transformation of Trauma. Eugene, OR: Cascade.
Buttry, Daniel and Sharon Buttry (2018) Training for Conflict Transformation Trainers. Buttry Center for Peace and Nonviolence, Shawnee, KS: Central Theological Seminary.
Buttry, Daniel L. (2011) Blessed Are the Peacemakers. Canton, MI: Read the Spirit Books.
Brown, Brene (2021) SuperSoul Sessions: The Anatomy of Trust, online https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/ accessed January 24, 2021.
Fisher, Roger, William Ury, and Bruce Patton (2011) Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, 3rd Edition. New York: Penguin.
Lederach, John P. (1999) The Journey Toward Reconciliation. Harrisonburg, VA: Herald Press.
Linehan, Marsha M. (2015) DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. New York: Gilford.
Shapiro, Francine (2018) Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures, Third Edition. New York: Guilford.
Satir, Virginia, et al. (1991) The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books.
Satir, Virginia. (1988) The New Peoplemaking. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books.
Sturtevant, Matthew B. and Timothy J. Bonner. (2023) From Distrust to Trust: Controversies and Conversations in Faith Communities. King of Prussia, PA: Judson.
